When surfer and model Sarah Brady shared text messages on her Instagram Story over the weekend that she claimed were between her and ex-boyfriend Jonah Hill, some noted familiar “therapy” terms that have proliferated in discussions on mental health line
“Therapy talk,” once called “psycho-talk,” is simply psychology jargon. It’s become popular verbiage on social media, where terms like “gaslighting,” “narcissism,” and “borderlines” are used liberally for salon diagnosis.
In some cases, the language of therapy has given many people much-needed vocabulary to describe their feelings. In other cases, such as the text messages between Hill and Brady, that “therapy language” has been misused to manipulate and control others.
“Every time we use slang in profane conversation, we are changing the power dynamic whether we want to or not,” said Israa Nasir, a mental health therapist and educator who has 153,000 followers on Instagram. “What happens in ‘therapy talk’ is there’s a little bit of this self-righteous virtue signaling, right? Like I’m a little more informed, I’m more emotionally mature… and I tell you that you are hurting me in this way”.
On his Instagram, Brady shared several screenshots that allegedly show Hill telling the semi-pro surfer to remove photos of her in a bathing suit while surfing, claiming she’s crossing his limits. At least three times in the shared texts, the person who appears to be Hill talks about her “limits”.
“It seems you don’t understand. But it’s not my place to teach you. I have made my boundaries clear. You refuse to blurt out something and you’ve made it clear. I hope they make you happy,” reads one message about deleting photos.
Brady claimed in other posts that Hill was an “emotionally abusive partner.”
Brady and Hill did not immediately respond to a request for comment. NBC News could not immediately verify the authenticity of the text messages.
Some experts point to the pandemic as the tipping point where “therapy talk” took off on social media, but many factors have contributed to its rise. Among those who seem to have embraced the language the most are the millennial and Gen Z generations. Both generations have grown up with less stigma around the therapy than previous generations, experts said. But it is millennials who have often been dubbed the “therapy generation.” This could be why, when Brady posted his screenshots, millennials began talking about their encounters with couples who used “therapy language” to manipulate or coerce them in the course of their relationships.
research bank defines a millennial as anyone born between 1981 and 1996. Hill, who is 39, was born in 1983. He has also been open about his use of therapy, even doing a Netflix. documentary film about her therapist, Phil Stutz.
On Twitter, many discussed their own romantic relationships with a millennial couple, particularly straight millennial men. They described couples who had used the language of therapy as a weapon to win an argument and pointed to the intersection of “language of therapy” with millennial men and misogyny.
“I also think this is important because something that REALLY goes under the radar/unspoken is the basic misogyny of a lot of white male millennials, because they come across as soft. But a lot of them hate women and see them as competitors,” one person said. tweeted.
Another person tweeted“Jonah Hill perfectly illustrates how the patriarchy adapts and the millennial iteration relies on emotional abuse and manipulation.”
“I’ve gotten Jonah-Hill texts from literally every guy I’ve dated except 2. I’m afraid straight millennials are just as misogynistic as their boomer dads,” another aware.
Nasir said that while Generation Z (those born after 1996, according to Pew) have been raised to see men and women as largely equal, millennial men were largely raised on old schools of thought, in which systemic inequalities between men and women persisted. Although many millennial men have gone to therapy, they still operate with many of the systemic inequities of patriarchy embedded in their thinking, which could be why some use “therapy talk,” possibly inadvertently, such as a manipulative tactic.
“We are raising our girls to be really strong, but we haven’t changed the way we raise our boys,” Nasir said of millennials. “So you just see the patriarchy get packed into this very clean, you know, millennial sans serif font. But it’s the same, however.
Jeff Guenther, a licensed professional counselor who goes by @TherapyJeff on TikTok, where he has 2.7 million followers, echoed Nasir, saying therapy is often used as a “green flag” in relationships. On some dating apps, being in therapy is available as a tag for a person to apply to their profile. Because of this, Guenther said, some men use “therapy language” on social media as a way to make themselves appear more emotionally intelligent and empathetic.
However, using terms like “gaslighting,” “crossing the line,” or “triggering” in the context of disagreements can put your partner on the defensive.
“Sometimes when people are doing the ‘therapy talk’ kind of thing, it reads like a script and feels a little empty,” Guenther said. “You are using emotional words or psychological words, but they are not very empathetic and can instead come across as controlling or manipulative.”
Guenther and Nasir agreed that, in the text messages, the person who appears to be Hill is misusing the term “limits.” In reality, she is giving her partner an ultimatum in an attempt to change her behavior.
Ajax Ammons, 27, who posted a TikTok about the Brady-Hill situation that has been viewed more than 850,000 times, said he supports therapy, but it can be frustrating to see some people use the tools that therapy has taught them. She said “talk therapy” is popular with her generation because many of her peers seek mental health services.
She said that people who go to therapy and use “therapy talk” on social media need to reflect on themselves.
“You can’t just show up for therapy … without looking inward and saying, ‘Am I really being the problem?’” Ammons said.
Although “therapy language” is likely a permanent part of the social media lexicon, Nasir offered guidance for couples using it during their arguments.
“It’s important to remember that the ‘language of therapy’ is meant for the interaction between you and your therapist,” Nasir said. “So the therapy is still wonderful. And it’s meant to increase your own self-awareness. It’s not meant for you to learn things and then watch other people.”
